also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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