Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
