I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
