I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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