So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
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his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
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I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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