Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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