what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
