I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
