At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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