i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize
