you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
