I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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