I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
