It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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