I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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