he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Can I color on your dick again?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
