haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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