Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
40s are totally the cure
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
