a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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