Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
