she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
