Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
