I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
