My friends, they love my intelligence
I puked a lego.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
