all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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