I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
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