so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She's the barista slut.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I still have a little drunk in my system
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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