he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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