and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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