Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
