Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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