how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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