I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
