i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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