Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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