True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It's blow job season.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
