I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i think i have herpe
just one?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
