He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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