His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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