I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
you inspire me to be a worse person
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
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