I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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