Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We have started to decorate penises.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
