you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
