so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
