If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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