Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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