Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
