We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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