I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
worst night to have a conscience
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
