I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize