I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
