nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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