dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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