tell your sister to shave her snatch
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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