also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
