his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
