Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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