I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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