I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
