You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
